The Genius Next Door
by coolcube
Summary: Diana has just moved to Ireland and thinks it is just about the most boring place on Earth. That is, until she hears a call for help and goes to investigate, in Fowl Manor. Perhaps not at the perfect time ... Takes place instead of the 1st book. PLEEZE RR
1. The Move

ONE  
  
Diana sat on a dusty brown packing case at the foot of their newly built house, looking down at her feet. Thinking only one thing. Why here? Why now? Why Ireland? Why in the middle of winter vacation? Her parents were exacting revenge for something, she was sure. Had they found out who really flushed the Rolex down the toilet?  
  
She stared out across the flat expanse around her. Not a sound. Not one bird singing, no car horns blaring, no kids racing down the street, no parents running after them screaming. Nothing. She missed L.A. already, and it had only been – she glanced at her watch – thirty-two minutes and forty- five seconds since she had stepped off American Airlines in Dublin, to be completely cut off from all of civilization.  
  
Well, not exactly. There was a large mansion two blocks down, partly covered with trees, but she would rather not knock there. She could already tell the inhabitants were exactly the type who would place their customary offering of Jell-O in a vacuumed plastic bag and have in hauled off to a lab to be inspected, before they would take one bite.  
  
She wondered why her mother just had to take this teaching job here, and why, then, they couldn't live in a city or some other place which had people. The rather sketchy explanation her father had supplied was that he had to get "inspired" to write his new book, and this place would serve the purpose. Whatever.  
  
As she stared off into space, dreaming of the sights and sounds of California, her mom spotted her.  
  
"Ah, there you are, Di, – get off my good china plates!" Diana realized she'd been sitting on a crate of her mother's prized possessions, and quickly jumped off. Her father, however, realized there was something bothering her. Besides getting shooed off a good sitting spot.  
  
"Are you all right?" he asked, concerned. "Just fine," mumbled Diana, hoping her lie wouldn't be too noticeable.  
  
"Well, in that case, can you go unpack the microwave?" said her father, and strolled off to inspect the new house.  
  
She gave an audible groan and was just about to step inside, figuring electronic appliance set-up was to be her fate. Then, she suddenly heard a distant, yet distinguishable call for help through the chilly air.  
  
"Did you hear that?" she spun around and questioned her family. "Hear what?" asked Max, her little brother, scratching his head. He waved a pudgy hand in front of his sister's face. "Are you feeling alright, sis? You'd better be, because we don't have a therapist here."  
  
He seemed to believe that was incredibly hilarious, and ran off to unpack his Play Station system. Which probably wouldn't work, since the current here was different, thought Diana. But, she said nothing. Better to let him find out for himself.  
  
"Nope. Nada," said her parents, after listening intently for a few minutes. "Look, it was some kid falling off his sled. No need to worry," her mother said gently, knowing how her daughter loved to investigate the slightest noise.  
  
"Or, it could be someone trapped in a tiny cell being held ransom for a ton of gold," suggested her father. All eyes turned to look at him a bit queerly. "What?" he protested. "Just an idea! See, it's for my new novel called –," he trailed off when he realized not one person from his family was listening. Max, who had now come downstairs, patted his father on the back. "Keep your day job, Dad."  
  
Diana turned around and dashed inside their new house, grabbing the green Jell-O from the refrigerator. She knew someone was in trouble, or, at least, fallen off a sled, and she was determined to take a look.  
  
And, if by some slight chance she was wrong, she would think of an excuse – perhaps the plumber one. That had worked last time in Mrs. Watson's house, where she had investigated some strange sounds. Which turned out to be one of her elderly neighbor's many cats.  
  
Just as she ran past their new yard, her mother stopped her and asked where exactly she was going in that you'd-better-have-a-good-reason tone that mothers have. Not letting her go until she promised to just say hello, not to investigate one bit, and to come right back and unpack the microwave. Crossing her fingers behind her back the whole time, of course.  
  
She turned around and sped toward the House on Haunted Hill as fast as was humanly possible, where she presumed the sound had come from, and ran up the long sloping lawn. Having absolutely no idea of what she would be caught in the middle of, or of what was going to happen.  
  
"Think she'll be all right?" her mother asked her father, looking after Diana, quite worried in that way that mothers have. "Oh, sugar, she'll be just fine," her dad answered, half-listening. "Or–," he had just had another idea and was just about to say it aloud, but thought better of it. And so, they turned back to their copy of Raising Your Weird Twelve-Year Old, leaving their daughter to unravel the mysteries of the universe -- or, at least, their neighbors. 


	2. Explanation

TWO  
  
A/N Ok, I'm trying not to make her a ms. And now it's time for the disclaimer! How on earth could I forget it last chapter? Well, I did, so don't sue me!  
  
Disclaimer: — Now, as we all know, I do own Artemis Fowl –  
— Lawyer: (clears throat)  
---(Whispers) If I give you a dollar?  
---- No.  
---- Five?  
----- No.  
----- Twenty?  
---- No.  
---- Fine! A million!  
----- Really?  
----- No. (Sighs) Can't bargain with these people. Well, as of yet, I still don't own Artemis Fowl. But I will, mark my words! .... A hundred?  
----- No.  
  
Now to the story!  
  
Diana ran the two blocks to the enormous mansion, and, for the first time during solving a mystery, felt that this might just be real, not just some reasonable thing like cats moving around. The other times, well, she preferred not to speak of. Each time she would ask, "Did you hear that?", Max would mutter, "Paranoid!", disguised as a cough. Unsuccessfully.  
  
She looked up at the house, but quickly dismissed her suspicions. It was probably most likely, like her mother said, some kid falling off his sled. But inside? She shook her head to clear it and stepped up to the door.  
  
She knocked three times. Then three times again. No answer. Then, spotting it, she rang the doorbell just about a million times, to no avail. "Hello! Hello! You know, you might think you're high society, you know, with your little ... er... hors d' – d' – thingies! But I have something, something important to tell you!" she yelled, figuring no one was hearing anyway.  
  
Finally, as she turned back toward her house to go and unpack the microwave, the heavy door squeaked open. A pale boy who reminded her of more than one horror flick stood at the doorway. "First of all, it's hors d'oeuvres. And I am ... how shall I put this... in the middle of something. So, please reveal what is of so high importance," he said with a smirk.  
  
"Er.. er," Diana couldn't find the words. Not with a bodyguard three times her size standing nearby. "Hi," she said finally. "Uh.. er.. here."  
  
Artemis raised his eyebrows and took the Jell-O to deposit in the garbage as soon as this visitor left. "Hello. Now that we are all acquainted, I have to ... get back to what I was doing," he said, slamming the door in her face not quite so politely. "Which in no way involves kidnaping, fairies, or a ton of gold," he added hurriedly.  
Diana caught the door a centimeter before it closed, more than a little suspicious. Suddenly, she had a somewhat bright idea. "May I use your bathroom?" she asked innocently. Artemis narrowed his eyes. "Your house is two –," he began, but the manservant elbowed him. "She's not going to go away," he advised in a whisper.  
  
Artemis sighed and said reluctantly, "Alright. Third door on the left," walking back towards the computer room, thinking nothing of her. A pretty big mistake.  
  
Diana, of course, had no intention of going to the bathroom. She tiptoed up to the top floor, determined to find out what was going on here, opening each door on the way. She opened the attic door and peeked inside.  
  
"Oh, there you are," said a voice from the large Victorian bed. Presumably Artemis's mother. "Where are my cucumber slices and water?"  
  
Diana became slightly confused. "Excuse me?" she asked, trying to sound like there was nothing unusual about that request.  
  
"You heard me. What am I paying you for?" said Mrs. Fowl. "Hurry! They're attacking!" And she dived under the covers.  
  
Diana stepped outside, utterly perplexed and a little embarrassed, but all the same convinced that wasn't the voice that had cried for help. So, she went on to the next door, and the next, and the next after that, finding only floor-to-ceiling computers and shelves.  
  
On the next floor, she opened another door a crack. A girl probably only a couple years older was jabbing at a punching bag with a picture of the kid downstairs Scotch-taped to it, muttering about carrots. She had heard of rich people being somewhat eccentric, but these were downright weird, she concluded as she closed the door as quietly as she could.  
  
Apparently not quietly enough. The girl stopped her punching and came out to take a look, thankfully not spotting Diana crouching under the table in the hall. "Phew, that was close," she said, and turned to go down the winding staircase.  
  
"Who said that?" Juliet whirled around. "BUTLER! There's somebody in the house!" she yelled at the top of her lungs. At this, Diana ran full speed through the house, checking the rest of the rooms, determined to make her escape before this "Butler" discovered her. She had no clue who this person was, but he or she sure sounded dangerous.  
  
She peeked in the last room. Nobody. She sighed and turned towards the door. Her school counselor was probably right, she thought. She did have a way too overactive imagination.  
  
As she walked towards the humongous front gate, she spotted another door leading down. She hesitated, biting her nails. If someone found out, she could be explaining to these people, and her parents, and.. maybe the police... and the FBI!  
  
She shook her head. No, she decided, she'd just explain that she got lost. And, besides, they didn't even have the FBI here.  
So, she climbed down the stairs carefully, down to the basement. She took a look around. It was all empty, except for .... a door in the wall. No, a safe. Cool! thought Diana, hoping she could slip some bucks into her pocket. She tried the lock once. It wouldn't give. And there were a million possible combinations, and math was her worst subject. She could be here until next week.  
  
Suddenly, she spotted a piece of paper on the floor, reading:  
  
Here is the combination, Juliet, in case you forgot. Which I know you did.  
  
Happily, she punched in the sequence, expecting to see a mountain of cash. Or some expensive paintings, or vases, or ..... whatever it was that rich people collected.  
  
Instead, inside, right before her eyes, seated on a tiny cot, was an even tinier creature. With very pointy ears. 


	3. Folly

1**_A/N_ **_Yikes!_ That last chapter really wasn't good. Sometimes it looks okay at first and then when I post I wish I could change my identity! :) And my Quick Edit is _still_ not working, ever! Does anyone know how to fix that? So I couldn't make sure it sounded right. So I'm re-posting this chapter and writing it all over again. Just forget that last one was ever there. Look into the orb, humans!crash flash of light There!

So I _really_ need a **_beta reader _**to read it before I post! Who volunteers? Please! I'll give you a lollipop!!

**_Disclaimer_**: I do not own Artemis Fowl, and never will, and will hereby give up, henceforth and for evermore, and I am saying this of my own free will, and certainly not because I am being paid a large pile of cash to stop annoying the lawyers ... hides large pile of cash ... I'll be at the mall now!

* * *

THREE (New, Improved, Less Dialogue, More Description {and more reviews, hopefully} :)

Holly sat at the foot of her makeshift cot, looking at her feet. Thinking only one thing. _Why me? Why now? Why in the middle of Root's period of extremely bad temper?_ She scratched her head. Actually, Root was always in a bad temper.

"My life is over, my life is _over_," she sighed and rocked back and forth. She would probably get transferred to Traffic. Or even worse, she thought, biting her fingernails. Maintenance. She shuddered, imagining Haven's less-than-hygienic public streets.

Diana stood in the doorway, completely puzzled. Who was this human ... _was_ she even human? She scratched her head. Well, she had seen a lot of midgets everywhere, but she was shorter than all of them. (Including her extremely strange cousin Benjy, measuring up at 3 and a half feet.) There must be something in the air here, she thought. But what was with those pointy ears? She looked like someone straight out of _The Lord of the Rings_.

No, this must be a dream, she told herself. Neighbors can't be this weird. She would wake up in L.A. safely at home, probably just having downed an enormous bag of Peppy's Pepper Pork Rinds. That made everyone have a bit ... _weird_ dreams. It said so right on the package.

She pinched her finger, and when that didn't work, she tried banging her head on the metal door. Not an idea that would make her top ten of good ideas. "Ow," she said, clutching her sore head.

Holly looked up from what she was doing at that moment. Which was twisting up a piece of blanket and pretending it was Artemis's neck. It felt _good. _She suddenly noticed Diana banging her head repeatedly on the door. She frowned. There _must_ be something in the air here.

"Who are you?" she asked warily of the stranger. She narrowed her eyes, having thought of something. Probably another one of Artemis's cohorts coming to interview her or what not. Her hands bunched up into tiny fists for the umpteenth time that day. "Look, I don't need to know how else I betrayed my people. Or any more of your pesticide-filled foods. So just let me out right now ... or I will make your next thousand years a living nightmare!" There, she thought. Wasn't that a good line? That would surely get them.

"Uh....," Diana was even more perplexed, if possible, for the umpteenth time this day. She had no idea what the tiny ... er, creature ... was talking about. She inched away to a safe distance. Which was about a mile down the hall.

"Wait. You're not ... one of them, are you?" Holly surveyed the human, who was scratching her head yet again.

"I-I d-don't t-think so,"stammered Diana, turning around. "I-I'll just l-leave now,"she said, and made towards her house. She planned to go home, unpack the microwave, and try to pretend all this never happened. Max's mind-numbing video games should help, she decided, grinning. If he ever miraculously got them set up.

"_NO!" _Holly practically yelled, and Diana turned back, startled, covering her ears at the sound. This human, albeit a bewildered one, might be her only shot at escaping. "Do you know what's going on?"

Diana could only shake her head. "And I-I don't t-think I really want to,"she added.

"Are you sure?" Holly presumed her career was pretty much like a pit slug deep-fried in the LEP canteen anyway, so there wasn't any harm in telling this human about their subterranean civilization. Right?

Diana hesitated. She knew she should help someone if they were in trouble, and this... elf?... certainly looked the part. But, did it mean risking her life? That big guy and that pale kid certainly scared the pork rinds out of her.

"Of course," she said finally, sitting down. She slid out her pocket-sized tape recorder. This would definitely make a great story for the_ Enquirer_.

* * *

Artemis sat in his study at – where else? – his computer, monitoring any sign of life aboard the lone whaler out on the sea. He was enjoying – what else? – his favorite food, caviar, and feeling pretty pleased with himself. He was beginning to believe he actually could pull off this scheme.

In the middle of an incredibly good mouthful, Butler, tailed by Juliet, rushed in, panting as if just having run a marathon across Ireland. "We.... have.... some..... thing..... to.... tell... you," Juliet managed to gasp.

"This better be good,"muttered Artemis, hoping they hadn't interrupted his private lunch break for nothing. Juliet, having finally caught her breath first, started to explain.

"Artemis, there's, like, a girl, like, running around, like, all over, like –," Artemis rubbed his temples. _Why_ did the world have to have teenagers?

Butler cut her off. "The neighbors' girl is still in the house,"he clarified.

"Exactly what I was saying," said his sister a bit angrily. Butler shook his head. _Why_ did the world have to have sisters? And where had his famous soldier's sense been? He couldn't believe he had let that girl just saunter in without thinking.

"Teenagers. Can't trust them as far as you can throw them," he said. And he meant that. Literally.

"Excuse me? For your information, _I_ am a teenager!" Juliet yelled hotly.

"I didn't mean –," Butler said quickly.

"Of course you didn't. You're the one who let her in!"

"Is that so? Well, you're the one who –," Butler was at a loss for words. This rarely, if ever, happened. Most people generally stopped talking once they were in sight of him.

Artemis rubbed his temples again. These two were obviously not helping at all. What was he paying them for? "Ahem," he said. Both stopped mid-name call. "Right. Butler, fix the problem," he said shortly.

"I'm on it," he said, running off after Diana, a bit ashamed. Which also didn't happen often.

Artemis could feel his plan falling apart about his ears. _Why_ did the world have to have neighbors? But, Butler would take care of it, he told himself, biting into another spoonful of caviar. Right?

Juliet ran upstairs, silently fuming. "_Why_ can't I ever be on it?" she muttered, returning to punching the glossy picture of Artemis.

* * *

"... and we live underground, and our city is called Haven," Holly was explaining to a flummoxed Diana. "Uh, are you buying this?"

Diana couldn't believe a word of what she was hearing. "This – this is a joke, right?" she asked, staring wide-eyed at Holly. "Am I supposed to believe that a twelve-year-old boy orchestrated an entire operation.... and that there's an entire civilization living under out feet?" This was stranger than Super SciFi Channel's Strangest Strange Things marathon. She scratched her head thoughtfully. "You sound exactly like Max when he's doing his science project."

"Ah... uh... yeah. Basically,"Holly replied. Diana shook her head in disbelief. "I-I'm twelve, and I can't get my brother to give me back my two dollars!"she sighed.

"All right," she said, after taking it all in, and began working on a plausible explanation. Her parents would never believe this. "I believe you." She thought for a moment. "You sound exactly like my dad."

"Well, now we can leave," she said happily, and swung her hands to the door. Holly didn't move. Diana gestured toward the exit again. "As in, you know, walk through that opening in the wall."

"It's not that simple."Holly sighed. Perhaps she wouldn't be able to go home after all. And now she had gotten this human involved, too.

"Why not?" Diana asked. It seemed simple enough. Holly remembered she hadn't told this human about this particular law, the one all fairies had scribbled _"D'Arvit" _repeatedly over in their Books so the writing was barely legible.

"We have to do _everything_ humans tell us while in their dwellings." Diana remembered hearing something like that once.

"Wait, there was this movie once, and this girl had to do everything everyone said, and there was a prince and a fairy godmother – and, oh yeah, Max spilled Coke and Goobers all over my new shirt –," she trailed off. Holly clearly wasn't interested in last month's human movies when she was stuck in a tiny basement room with a twelve-year-old movie fanatic.

"Say, do you have to hop on one foot or chop your head off? Or – or –," Holly glared at her. "Uh, right." She started thinking of a plan, but couldn't figure one that wouldn't involve the FBI, CIA, or... whatever they had here. Or all three.

Holly was rocking back and forth, repeating "My life is over, my life is _over_" again and again. "Calm down, calm down, calm _down_," Diana said. As if her words carried immeasurable power, Holly immediately stopped. As if by an invisible force. Like magic....

"Wait! What if _I_ told you you could leave?" she offered. Holly considered it for a minute, and said yes. After all, she wouldn't burst into smithereens. Right?

"Alright," Diana cleared her throat importantly, as if about to proclaim the end to world hunger. "Uh, what's your name?"

"Holly. Holly Short."

"Holly... Short," she repeated, stifling a giggle. Unsuccessfully. "That explains a lo–," she stopped short when Holly gave her a dark look. "Right. Holly... Short, go out of here – or do whatever else you want."

Holly stood up, went over to the door, and gingerly tried to step out. Her magic still felt intact, and, apparently, her lunch wasn't on the parquet, so she assumed it had worked.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you," she smiled and hugged Diana – or, rather, Diana's feet, considering she was two feet and three inches shorter.

"_Now_, we can leave," said Diana brightly, and both turned to walk out the door.

That was when – precisely at that moment – the door slammed shut.

* * *

Whoa!! Almost THREE pages! This is a record for me! Yeah!! Woo hoo! ..... uh, yeah.

Well, what do you think? Better, right? Do you think I could be a writer once, or should I keep my day job, as Max would say?

Please, please review. Wait, I have a better idea! Holly? uses mesmer Reader ... you ... will... review!!

There! Now review! Hmm... I hope this works over the Internet. Holly shakes head Shh! Don't tell them!


End file.
